By Natasha Langleben, The Violence Intervention Project
As a social worker for over a decade, working across children’s social care, care leavers and adolescents at risk of extra-familial harm, there is one word I almost never heard spoken explicitly in professional spaces: shame.
We talk a lot about trauma. Trauma-informed practice is now a familiar part of the social work lexicon.
But shame, a deeply relational emotion that sits at the heart of so many experiences of harm, exclusion and violence, remains largely unnamed and unexplored. And yet, when you look closely at everyday practice, shame is everywhere.
Shame is often described as the feeling of being seen in a way you do not want to be seen. It is not simply about doing something wrong (guilt), but about believing there is something wrong with you. It is a universal human emotion, experienced by children, families and professionals alike, and it shapes how people behave when they feel threatened, exposed or powerless.
Four common responses to shame
Psychiatrist Donald Nathanson’s Compass of Shame offers a useful framework for social work practice. Nathanson identified four common ways people respond to shame: withdrawal, avoidance, attack self and attack other.
Once we begin to view behaviour through this lens, familiar situations start to look very different:
- Gang violence and bullying can be understood as attack other - the projection of unbearable shame outward.
- Self-harm often reflects attack self.
- Disengagement, refusal or “non-compliance” can be seen as withdrawal.
- Substance misuse could be seen as avoidance: attempts to protect the self from further exposure.
These are not just theoretical ideas; they are daily realities in social work.
How shame affects care experienced people
Shame is embedded in the lived experience of many looked-after children and care leavers: the shame of not wanting peers to know you are in care; of having a social worker arrive at school; of family instability, poverty or neglect being visible to others, or of moving into independent accommodation without knowing how to cook, budget or manage bills and feeling too exposed to ask for help.
Too often, professional responses unintentionally reinforce this shame, even when well-intentioned.
A powerful example of this comes from work with a young person involved in gangs. He was known across professional networks as powerful, influential and intimidating, despite his young age. Many professionals felt afraid of him.
When he was stabbed, a gangs worker was asked to visit him in hospital to make use of the “reachable moment”. The worker attended the hospital uninvited. The young person swore at him and threatened him, and the worker left feeling humiliated and rejected.
Seeing behaviour through a shame-informed lens
In many systems, this might have been framed as unacceptable behaviour requiring consequences or boundaries. But a shame-informed reflection asked a different question: how might this young person have experienced that interaction?
This young man wanted to be seen as strong, feared and in control. Instead, he was being seen lying in a hospital bed, arm in a cast, injured and vulnerable, profoundly exposed.
Shame arises when we are seen outside the context in which we want to be seen. The worker’s presence, though well-meaning, unintentionally amplified that exposure. The young person’s aggression was not random; it was a shame response.
Rather than issuing a warning, the worker returned later and apologised - not for the work, but for turning up uninvited. This moment of repair became the foundation of a relationship. By naming and reducing shame, rather than compounding it, connection became possible.
How shame affects social workers
Shame is not only something young people carry; it also lives within professional systems.
Social workers are familiar with the professional shame of not being able to secure a good-enough placement, of working within stretched and under-resourced systems, or of feeling ineffective when a young person does not engage.
There are everyday moments where systems force practitioners into shaming interactions, for example, asking a young person if they “really” have nowhere to stay during a placement crisis.
Without space to reflect, professional shame can quietly shape practice, leading to defensiveness, emotional distancing or over-control.
This is why shame-informed practice must include reflective spaces for professionals, not just new techniques for working with young people.
It also helps move trauma-informed practice forward. Trauma can sometimes feel abstract or “othering” - something that happened to them, not us. Shame, by contrast, is universal. It allows practitioners to recognise their own emotional responses alongside those of young people, creating a more human and relational way of working.
Piloting a new approach
Building on eight years of shame-informed direct work with young people affected by serious youth violence, we are now piloting The Shame Initiative - a national practice-development programme for social workers, managers and wider services.
A current pilot involves 10-15 independent reviewing officers (IROs) across North East London, including in Newham, Waltham Forest, Islington, Barking and Dagenham.
The foundational workshop is a three-hour, in-person session focused on developing a shared language for shame, exploring where it shows up in practice, introducing key frameworks such as the Compass of Shame and reflecting on how professionals might respond differently to familiar scenarios. Follow-up reflective sessions support practitioners to apply this thinking to their own cases and begin developing communities of practice internally.
The aim is not to remove boundaries or accountability, but to change how we respond. The antidote to shame is connection. When people feel seen, understood and held in mind, shame loosens its grip.
Embedding shame-informed practice
For social work, this means embedding questions about shame into supervision, reflective practice and professional meetings: Where might shame be showing up here? How might our responses be reinforcing or reducing it?
If we are serious about reducing violence, exclusion and emotional harm, we must look beyond behaviour and risk and be willing to name the emotional forces driving them.
Shame may be uncomfortable to talk about, but avoiding it does not protect us or the people we serve. Working with it, thoughtfully and relationally, just might.
Natasha Langleben is director of operations and delivery at The Violence Intervention Project, which works with young people up to 25 who are at risk of, or already involved in, serious violence.
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