by Emma Atkinson
In frontline practice, supporting a family system can have more profound and long-lasting benefits than working with the child in isolation.
Unfortunately, this is not consistently applied to fostering families who have taken in children with trauma.
In my 16 years in social work, I have witnessed examples of excellent communication, respect, and mutual understanding conducive to strong teams around children. I have also seen many examples of misalignment, misunderstanding and blame among well-intentioned professionals and carers, diminishing the focus on the child.
The trauma of separation
American psychologist Patricia Crittenden’s work (2012) proposes that our attachment strategies are shaped around avoiding danger, not feeling secure. Consequently, children adapt their behaviour in whatever way helps them stay close to their parent – their primary source of survival.
No matter how poorly the child’s needs have been met, their parents remain their primary attachment figure.
That profound loss will inevitably inflict on the child’s ability to form relationships with other parent figures, such as foster carers.
Children’s adaptive strategies to protect themselves
They may experience ‘blocked trust’, where their brain and nervous system unconsciously block their ability to communicate and engage in meaningful relationships, limiting their capacity to accept and lean into comfort, joy and connection.
Children coming into care who’ve also experienced trauma face an additional layer of complexity – they come in with the deep-rooted idea that connection is scary.
Children in this state prioritise protection over connection, developing what Dan Hughes and Jonathan Baylin term a "mistrusting brain" that resists adult care and authority.
This lack of ‘reciprocity’ (the child responding in kind to something you have done for them) may hinder the bonding process between carer and child.
Feeling at arm’s length
An example I can recall is of a young girl in foster care who presented as fiercely independent and was putting herself at risk in the community.
Her carer repeatedly expressed feeling she was ‘not let in’, to the point where she felt she had no parental authority. She was so disconnected from the young person that she eventually gave notice, feeling that she couldn’t keep her safe.
This is not the only time a foster carer has described to me feeling held at a distance by a ‘brick wall’, a ‘mask’, or more overt survival tactics, like aggression.
Building deep, meaningful relationships under these conditions can be incredibly challenging.
That a sense of rejection can trigger the adults’ own defences. For example, they start taking children’s reactions (which are survival strategies) personally, leading to a toxic cycle of distress, burnout and dissatisfaction on both sides.
Without sufficient support in place for the foster carer, the potential result of ‘placement breakdown’ can be catastrophic for both parties.
The devastation of unplanned endings
The guilt that so many foster carers face when a placement doesn’t work out is heartbreaking to witness.
If not properly processed, that ‘moral injury’ (the psychological distress that results from betraying one's own values and ethics) is brought into the relationship with the next child they foster. It also impacts the wider fostering family, particularly any birth children.
But the blame should rarely fall purely on the foster carer. It is more often a failure of the system as a whole and a reflection of the complexity of trauma.
Supporting relationships between foster carers and children
One prominent issue is that professionals often respond to trauma-related behaviour by focusing on the child’s actions, rather than contextualising it within the relationship with the foster carer.
As Dr Bruce Perry eloquently explains, "relationships are the agents of change and the most powerful therapy is human love". With foster carers spending the most time with children, it is those relationships that practitioners should promote and nurture.
This falls in particular down to the two professionals involved in any one fostering situation – the child’s social worker and the foster carer’s supervising social worker. When working collaboratively with foster carers, the two practitioners have the potential to promote healing for children in the context of relationships.
This starts by allowing carers a protected space to reflect. This may look different for every carer.
Sometimes you have to be creative and use the resources you have available to you. This may include enhancing their support network through buddy schemes, support services and groups, or schemes like Mockingbird, or making use of children’s clubs.
Ensuring there is a reflective space for foster carers is a need, not a luxury.
Assist carers to respond therapeutically to behaviour
Both social workers should support the foster carer to think about the child’s behaviour in the context of their trauma, so they avoid seeing it as a personal attack.
Part of this could entail open conversations around responding to the child with empathy, acceptance and curiosity to explore the unmet needs they may be trying to communicate.
Make use of any consultations, group supervision, training or reflective space available in your service to support these conversations.
During visits, make it a point to check in with both the child and the foster carer. How is their relationship going? How attuned do they feel to each other?
Discuss and consider the impact sudden changes and decisions can have on the whole fostering family, including other children living there.
Tips for building good relationships with foster carers
Social workers should also ensure there is good communication between the teams surrounding children.
Though time is a barrier in social work, there are steps you can take to help maintain a good working relationship.
These include:
- When you start working together, talk about each person’s preferred method of communication (eg text, email, phone etc.)
- Respectfully manage expectations. For example, say things like: “I will let you know by…”; “I’m not going to be able to do that by then, but I will do it by …”; or “Sorry, I haven’t yet … but I haven’t forgotten."
- Use the PACE (playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy) communication method with one another, as you would with children. For example, accept that a foster carer might feel disgust towards a child and be curious about the source of that feeling, while remaining clear about the required standards of care.
- Copy foster carers into emails. Being left out of discussions often leaves a bad feeling, even when it is unintentional.
The value of play
Be intentional about scheduling bonding time for the carer and child, as you would be about a child’s other commitments, such as family time or school clubs etc.
Fun and play are incredibly important for children and offer opportunities for positive connection.
Child development expert Dr. Karyn Purvis has written extensively about this. She once said: "Scientists have recently discovered that it takes approximately 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain - unless it is done with play, in which case it takes between 10 and 20 repetitions."
One method that combines relationship-building and play is using Theraplay games, which include “fun, nurturing, and involved activities” for parent-child play.
Respecting the foster carer’s role
Most importantly, remain respectful of the foster carer’s role.
I have heard many social workers say that foster carers “only have to deal with one or two children while they have twenty”. Carers argue in turn that social workers can “switch off their phones and go home at night”.
Both roles differ from each other, as do their accompanying pressures. We need to acknowledge their differences and respect them, so that we can effectively work together as a team to champion children.
Ultimately, we must focus on our common goal - to best support the children and young people in our care.
It is only when we work together as a team around the child that the best outcomes for them can be realised.
Emma Atkinson qualified as a social worker in 2009 and has since spent her career supporting children who've experienced trauma. Since 2022, she has been part of a fostering team, overseeing and delivering post-approval training for foster carers.
