This is the 13th instalment in Sophie Baker’s ‘What I wish I had known…’ series, where she reflects on her approach to practice when she started out – and what she would tell her younger self now.
I have cried plenty of times in supervision, and with colleagues, over the years.
It was awkward; I felt embarrassed. But supported by those around me, the moments never really weighed on my mind.
However, the two occasions I became emotional in front of people I was supporting were a different story.
Becoming emotional in front of children and families
The first time was during a home visit to a little girl (Shelby) who ached to be with her mum and siblings while in foster care. The other was during a final visit, when a mother (Helen) was saying goodbye to her two young children before they moved on to adoption.
In both moments, my tears caught me off guard. I was mortified and embarrassed that during a personal moment, their pain had touched me so deeply that I could not hold back my own sadness.
I became worried about what Shelby and Helen would think of me and what it said about my professionalism.
It can be okay to cry
What I wish I had known then is that it is okay for the people I support to see my human side.
In both cases, I had been working with the person for many months. I cared deeply about them and wanted to help, but was faced with the uncomfortable reality that I hadn’t been able to make things better for them.
Shelby and Helen were facing real, serious problems. Yet, there I was, crying.
My perspective on that has changed over the years. I no longer think they needed me to be neutral. Showcasing emotion contributes towards building connection and trust. It acknowledges and validates the difficult circumstances those we support are in.
I remember telling Shelby: "I am sorry that I am crying. I can see how upset you are, and I want to try to make things better for you."
To Helen, I said: "I am crying because I can tell how sad you are to be saying goodbye to the children.’
We shouldn’t fear emotion in our profession; it’s a human way of showing sincerity and empathy. There is, though, an important distinction to be made.
Tearing up differs from becoming completely overwhelmed. I am glad I was able to hold myself together. Had I become too upset, my emotions could have shifted attention onto me. Worse, Shelby or Helen may have felt the need to comfort me.
Showing emotion while remaining professional is important in social work. While I was upset, I tried hard to show empathy without forgetting my role and responsibilities.
Techniques to help manage emotions
Social work is an emotional job! It brings us into close contact with people during times of stress and crisis, and it involves managing risk and uncertainty.
While we do not work in isolation, these responsibilities can weigh heavily on us. Sometimes, becoming emotional in front of those we support may be inevitable.
Over time, I’ve found some useful techniques to help manage those reactions.
‘Grounding’ myself in the moment could have helped me separate a little from my emotions at that time. This involves slowing down your breathing, pressing your feet into the floor and focusing on your senses for a second or two (noticing what you see, hear, taste, touch, etc).
Another approach to get out of my head could have been thinking about what Shelby or Helen may have needed from me at that time. That thought brings you back into your professional role.
Simply acknowledging my feelings could have also gone a long way. Reminding myself, “This is sadness, and it makes sense that I feel this way,” might have helped me reconnect with myself and steady my emotions.
Make use of supervision
I remember being overwhelmed by shame, so much so that it stopped me from confiding in my manager or colleagues.
I was worried that my manager would consider me unprofessional and unfit for social work. I wish I had been brave enough to use my supervision to explore why I had been affected so deeply.
Good supervision could have helped me manage my emotions and explore what it was about Shelby and Helen’s circumstances that had evoked such deep reactions.
We don’t need ‘perfect’ social workers
Now, having accumulated experience and confidence, I know that when we practice with empathy, we will always be affected by pain, fear or loss. Empathy is central to good social work.
Twenty years on, I would be more concerned if practitioners weren’t upset at times.
Trying to be ‘perfect’ or completely emotionless is exhausting and can come across as insincere.
We work with the most vulnerable people in society, and their stories are bound to evoke sadness from time to time.
It’s not our emotions that will be memorable to those we support, but how we manage and express them.
Celebrate those who've inspired you
Do you have a colleague, mentor, or social work figure you can't help but gush about?
Our My Brilliant Colleague series invites you to celebrate anyone within social work who has inspired you – whether current or former colleagues, managers, students, lecturers, mentors or prominent past or present sector figures whom you have admired from afar.
Nominate your colleague or social work inspiration by filling in our nominations form with a few paragraphs (100-250 words) explaining how and why the person has inspired you.
*Please note that, despite the need to provide your name and role, you or the nominee can be anonymous in the published entry*. If you have any questions, email our community journalist, Anastasia Koutsounia, at anastasia.koutsounia@markallengroup.com
