'What I wish I had known about fathers' impact on their children'

This is the ninth instalment in Sophie Baker’s ‘What I wish I had known…’ series, where she reflects on her approach to practice when she started out – and what she would tell her younger self now.

I am ashamed to admit that, as a newly qualified social worker in 2001, I underestimated fathers’ influence on the lives of their children. I didn’t try hard enough to connect with or involve them in my practice.

My own upbringing in the late 1970s, defined by the ‘traditional’ perception of fathers as breadwinners, shaped my early professional practice. My father was loving, but primarily focused on providing financial stability, while my mother took on most of the day-to-day childcare.

This dynamic influenced how I initially approached my work with families, often placing emphasis on the mother and unintentionally rendering fathers’ roles, needs and responsibilities invisible.

Why we need to engage fathers

Looking back, I realise I carried unconscious biases and assumptions, thinking it was natural for fathers to be less engaged or interested in their children’s lives.

However, the perception of fatherhood has changed significantly since my childhood. There is a higher recognition, both within society and social work, of their contributions to, and impact on, their children’s lives.

Norfolk Safeguarding Children Partnership’s 2023 practice guide on working with fathers highlights the need for practitioners to “seek out, engage, assess and, where possible, work effectively with fathers”.

“It is essential to make contact with all parents if we are to understand the lived experience of children,” says the report.

So here’s what I wish I had known about effectively engaging fathers and recognising their impact on children’s experiences.

The positive impact of fathers’ presence in children’s lives

In the early days of my practice, I didn't fully appreciate the unique and powerful contributions fathers made to their children's development.

According to a 2023 report by the Fatherhood Institute, the amount of time fathers spend with their teenagers, alongside the ‘closeness’ of their relationship, is strongly linked to better life satisfaction and self-esteem, and fewer adolescent risk behaviours.

Over time, my understanding of this deepened, largely through engaging with similar pieces of research that highlighted how fathers could positively influence children’s emotional wellbeing, behaviour, academic outcomes, and social development.

This growing awareness enriched my practice and strengthened my commitment to meaningfully involving fathers in the support I was offering to families.

Engaging fathers early on and consistently

My early ‘mother-centred’ mindset meant I was slower to involve fathers in my work, which risked limiting my understanding of children’s lived experiences.

In Professor Marian Brandon and colleagues' 2017 ‘Counting Fathers In’ report, on men's experiences of the child protection system, fathers shared that they often felt involved too late in the process or labelled as ‘difficult’ if they showed frustration or emotion.

Some also reported wanting to be part of their child’s life but feeling pushed out, especially when meetings or visits weren’t arranged in a way that fitted around their work or other commitments.

Over time, I recognised the importance of engaging fathers earlier and more consistently. I became more proactive in creating opportunities for them to be part of meetings and home visits.

Part of that was being flexible and creative around their availability. As my confidence grew, I became more tenacious in encouraging fathers to share their views, acknowledging that their voices were a vital part of safeguarding and understanding a child’s life.

Challenging mothers’ perceptions

There were also times when mothers didn’t want fathers involved, usually because of anxiety over violence or past abuse.

Father-inclusive practice should never create more risk, but I came to see that, whenever safe, bringing fathers in was usually the right thing to do.

It wasn’t about disbelieving mothers, but understanding that their perceptions of fathers were sometimes biased, and language could be used to shift responsibility or protect their ‘positions’.

Over time, I realised the value of gently exploring why a mother didn’t want the father involved. Was it fear, past harm or something else?

Having those honest conversations, alongside checking things out with other agencies, supervisors and sometimes wider family, helped me make more balanced and safer decisions.

Having challenging conversations around risk

I wish I had involved fathers when assessing any risks they may have posed to children or partners - particularly to understand the underlying drivers of their behaviour and explore ways to mitigate risk.

I lacked the confidence and experience to navigate challenging conversations, especially when fathers were angry or intimidating. There were times I actively avoided conflict.

I wish there had been training in place early on to help me be more authoritative when working with fathers at risk of causing harm.

Over time, I gradually built my skills around approaching challenging conversations about parental behaviours and their impact on children.

I learnt the importance of preparation and focused on adopting a calm, respectful tone, which helped reduce defensiveness and create space for honest dialogue. I used open-ended questions to encourage fathers to share their perspective, actively listening without judgment and centring discussions on how their behaviour may affect their child’s wellbeing.

Understanding how fathers perceive social workers

I now realise how valuable it would have been to understand how fathers experience working with social workers.

For some, especially those who are young, from minority backgrounds or care experienced, there are added layers of complexity. These men can face judgment based on stereotypes, being seen as absent or uninterested, even when they’re trying to stay involved.

I found it helpful to be more culturally curious and braver in asking what fatherhood meant to them, how they defined their role, what they saw as their responsibilities and what their main stressors were.

It was important for me to remember that engaging with services isn’t always straightforward for them, especially when they are up against deep-seated stereotypes. Hearing their views helped me approach my work with greater understanding and empathy.

Supporting fathers to play an active role in children’s lives

Over time, I have learnt that engaging fathers well is not without its challenges, but it is essential.

My role is not only to safeguard children, but to support fathers in staying connected and playing an active role in their children’s lives.

When we give fathers the opportunity to be heard and included in planning, we gain a fuller picture of family life and are better equipped to meet children’s needs.

It strengthens our practice, challenges stereotypes and, ultimately, gives children the best chance of having safe and meaningful relationships with both parents.